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Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
July 4th, 2016 the day I found out I was pregnant.
It was early morning around 9am, at the time I was working for a pet sitting company. I remember having various pets I needed to visit that morning, I was also broke but knew I needed to pick up a pregnancy test to confirm or deny my suspicions. Could it be? I? Pregnant? I thought to myself. There was a CVS near one of my visits, I stopped by spent my last dollars on the CVS brand test and headed to my next appointment. My heart throbbing, my mind racing I could and I couldn’t wait to find out if I was pregnant. Finally, after finishing up my duties with the cat I was looking after, I headed to the bathroom. Read the instructions over and over. It seemed simple enough, right? Pee on this stick and find out if I was with child. For some reason I just kept having to go over the instructions just in case I messed up in some shape or form and because of it would get a false positive.
So… I squat, I peed and I waited…
Longest three minutes of my life. I peeked over and saw double lines. NO I thought to myself, I was just seeing double I didn’t have my glasses on, I was mistaken. I finally got the balls to pick it up and there it was. Two lines. I was pregnant. I was truly pregnant no doubt in my mind. What would my mom say or think or do? What would I do from now on? Was this something I could recover from, what are my options? I had no answer to any of my questions and it was the most terrifying thing in my life not knowing what my next step would or should be. I don’t know if any of you have had this feeling or has been pregnant and had the same reaction but it is truly life changing. At the time I was 20 years old, going to school full time, working part time and living with my mom.
I knew I had to make a decision soon, but didn’t know how to go about that. For one, I knew I was too young to become a mother. But I also knew that I could never go through the abortion process alone. Little to say, the father didn’t want to be in the picture. No type of support there. It was just me… by myself on this one. For weeks I struggled with depression, I couldn’t go to my mother because I knew the disappointment she would have towards me. couldn’t go to my best friend because I knew she would be disappointed at me as well, especially knowing that I didn’t think I could go through with this pregnancy. IF she knew she wouldn’t look at me the same. She is surrounded by many siblings and has been there for her younger brothers and sisters from the start. She had that maternal instinct and love for children. I on the other hand, I hated kids and never really saw myself ever having any of my own. I loved animals and I always planned on having a farm safe house for abandoned or stray animals but to be a mother I never saw that in the plan.
I remember finally sharing the news to one of my closest guy friends and well as suspected he gave me shit for it. haha What I expected. I also shared the news with my closest girlfriend at the time and had a complete break down. I won’t write about the prior event that led to that but lets just say I was depressed for the longest time.
Everyday that passed by I tried to think of ways to make a decent living to support myself, my mother and my future child. Was I capable of pulling this off? How would I even know? The moment I came clean to my mom she literally slapped some sense into me. She suffered from fertility problems, she ended up finally coming up to the conclusion that she couldn’t have children and decided that adopting would be the best option. My mom was heartbroken when I told her I didn’t think I could go through with my pregnancy. As depressed as I was and miserable, in my head this was the best decision for my 20 year old self. That decision had been engraved in my head that I didn’t think I could be strong enough to go through this. She made sure to state her opinion on the matter but also reminded me of all the thins she went through to try and have a successful pregnancy. How could I be so selfish and deny this gift. I wasn’t sure either but the day I finally came to terms with my situation and decided that I was going to go through with this pregnancy… was one of the best days of life. This incredible weight was lifted from my shoulders, I was happy. I looked forward to what the future was to hold and I was finally myself x 2. haha
My daughter who is now 1 is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Everyday I think about who I would be without her or where I would even be. There has been a number of events and down points that I have come across during and after my pregnancy. Most I would not like to go through again but all have shaped me into the woman I am now. But thus far, Rosalina, my Rose has been the pinnacle of joy and pure happiness ever since her birth.
Let me know ladies, what were some of the challenges you may have over come throughout your pregnancy? Sometimes it is nice to talk about your struggles and challenges with other women who can relate. Lets start a discussion or if you have something to share feel free to share some things you relate or may not relate to me. I have so many more memories and thoughts to share so stay tuned!
I plan on writing my feelings and thoughts on motherhood, single mom duties and just womanly thangs! I am constantly discovering myself on multiple levels, I hope we can build a community where we can all build up a relationship based off of similar things we may have in common.