Forgiveness After The Storm

 

Learning to forgive.

I had to learn to forgive myself for holding onto my past as if it were a blanket of comfort that I just could not let go. Learning to forgive the people whom I let in and who took advantage of my sincerity and generosity. Unfortunately, it’s hard to pinpoint who truly has the best intentions for you and life doesn’t have your best intentions in mind… you just live through it and learn from it, but you have to let go and let God.

Throughout all of the loss I most importantly lost myself. When I lost my mom I lost myself and my identity. She was my purpose for living and my motive to push forward. My mom raised me on her own and sacrificed so much of herself to provide a stable and happy home for me. When I was finally able to get a job I made it my sole purpose to help my mom financially to lessen the burden on her. I dedicated a lot of my time attempting to please her as an only child could do.

Losing her in turn I had to relearn to find myself and my identity. I lived for her, I lived to please her and that was all gone… she was gone. That security blanket was gone. I felt helpless. Why me? I was only 21 years old when I lost my Mom. I had my daughter two weeks before my mom passed. Although she never got the chance to meet her granddaughter I am certain that it was all in Gods plan.

After her passing I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I was depressed and felt alone but it is only by the grace of God and my daughter in which I was able to pull myself out of that rut. And I am not going to lie it was the hardest year of my life. I went from being an only child living with her single mother to a single mother with a newborn and adapting to being kicked out of the home my mom & I worked hard to build. As a young mother I felt overwhelmed with emotion. To top it all off I had no credit history, I was jobless at the moment and had no idea where to turn. At that moment in my life I was both at my lowest and highest. I just gave birth to this incredible little girl who made me feel whole again but depression would always hit me in waves.

In that dark moment I can recall demanding God and pleading with him to bring my mom back, to allow me just a moment with her to be able to make up for the things I could never do for her and to tell her how much I loved her. I just needed to feel and smell her again. To show her how hard I would work to build our home together. It was devastating having to start over again. I wasn’t capable of taking all our belongings with us. Because of that I was forced to leave most of our belongings behind. I felt powerless and couldn’t forgive myself for having to leave everything behind. I felt emotionless and numb. Every day that went by I kept beating myself up for the things that I couldn’t do and had no control of. It took me that entire year to learn how to forgive myself for the moments I kept beating myself over again and again knowing that I couldn’t change anything.

God gave me this beautiful daughter as a way to help heal my pain and suffering. I knew nothing outside of my mom and to not have that again I could feel myself slipping away. My daughter healed my heart and my soul. During that storm in my life I was able to appreciate what little I did have. I was blessed to find an apartment as fast as I did, blessed to have never skipped a meal, blessed to have been able to provide my daughter with what she needed. And most importantly blessed to see another day of life because at the end of the day that’s what really matters. God is good and if you keep seeking his kingdom he will make himself known. No matter what you’ve been through and how alone you may feel at moments, he never abandons.

Forgiveness is not easy but it isn’t impossible. There is only one way to move forward and that’s starting by forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made and even the moments you missed. You have to accept your failures and learn from them. The only way to move forward is to make peace with your past and your emotions. It’s okay to feel sad as well as angry. Emotion is the only way our heart can truly communicate to us what has affected us. And sometimes in order to move forward with forgiveness you have to sit down with your sadness. As comforting as pain, anger and sadness can be you can’t get comfortable with those feelings, it’ll only suck you in further away from your happiness.

Set goals up for yourself and simple tasks that’ll get you up from your feet. Don’t forget to appreciate nature and pamper yourself. Take care of your body and your mind. Prayer is the best form of meditation. Write things down. I know that always helps me sort through my emotions and thoughts. Most importantly don’t be so hard on yourself. We forget that sometimes we need to go through these life experiences in order to learn and grow from it. It is a process of life that no one can escape. Not the rich and definitely not the poor. We are not made of sticks nor stones don’t let your past take a hold of you. Don’t get comfortable. And most importantly don’t settle. Spread as much love as you can, it radiates to others and it’ll be the emphasis of your life.

Hope to be back soon with another blog post. Thank you for scrolling by and I hope my story helps some of you that may be struggling with forgiveness within yourself or others.

– Trapmom

Favorite Skincare Products

Hi guys, I’m back with some additions to my skincare routine that I would like to share with you all. These products I believe are a must have and have drastically improved my overall skin health.

When thinking back to a skincare routine I never really did anything special to keep my skin rejuvenated, clean and fresh. To begin with I have never had any issues with acne or uneven skin tone on my skin. For the most part my skin has always been good up until now that I am getting older I see the effect of leaving my makeup on when I go to sleep. Let me start off by saying that my skin used to be very oily. My main area for perspiration was/ is my face. Over the past couple of months I have tried various things like oils, serums, different facial cleansers, exfoliaters and creams. None have really done the job or kept my skin clean and moisturized.

I noticed post-pregnancy my skin got dryer than it usually has ever been. During the months of November through December of 2017 I noticed a drastic increase in my skins dryness, specifically in patchy areas. I have now switched my facial cleanser from my Biore Charcoal Cleanser to the Biore Baking Soda Foam Cleanser. I like to go back and forth from the two as I have seen the results on my skin. I always feel extra exfoliated and fresh when using these products. They are not harsh on the skin and inexpensive. Because I do wear makeup throughout the day I find that these two products take my makeup off easily without having to scrub my face off. I prefer the foam cleanser as it’s easy to use the product in just a simple pump and I feel like soaks into my face better.

At the end of my day I like to soak my face in warm water to open up my pores. From there I like to pump the Biore cleanser onto my hand and rub it in my face. The second step I do is whip out my electric facial cleanser, pump out more foam cleanser onto the brush head and let the brush head do its thang on my skin. I really have felt and seen a major difference in my skin when using this product! I can tell that a lot more makeup has been coming off of my face when using the electric facial cleanser brush. Once I feel that I have gotten all of my makeup off I apply the following two oil serums. There are different home made masks that I like to use on my skin at least once a week or twice depending on if I feel my face needs the extra boost. Usually once a week works well for me, find what works well for you.

The two serums that I have been using on a regular basis is a Hyaluronicacid serum and a Vitamin C serum.

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The Hyaluronic acid serum benefits:

  • Locking in moisture
  • anti-aging properties
  • supports skin healing and ability to repair
  • anti-inflammatory properties
  • antioxidant defenses
  • builds elasticity

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Vitamin C benefits:

  • promotes collagen
  • reduces skin discoloration
  • brightens and rejuvenates
  • promotes faster healing
  • anti-inflammatory properties
  •  anti-oxidant benefits

Both of these serums combined have immensely helped my skin feel and look 10x better. I apply the Hyaluronic serum on my wet face so that it helps lock in moisture. I then mix my daily moisturizer and add about 3 drops of the Vitamin C serum, mix it in with my moisturizer and massage all over my face. Because I like to be extra I usually like to run an ice cube over my face so that my pores close up as well as this helps reducing wrinkles and fine lines.

One of my favorite mists to use day or night would have to be the Mario Badescu Aloe, Herbs and Rosewater! Seriously cannot stop raving about this product. Even before I started using the serums I would mist my face every morning & night or whenever I felt my skin getting dryer & in need of moisture. For a little bit my face was also irritated from over exfoliating and this was the only thing that helped my skin feel better. Moving on, I will list a few of my favorite inexpensive home made masks. Most of which I learned through my mom and she learned through hers.

Homemade masks:

Honey & Lemon

  • about 1 tbsp of raw honey (if it ain’t raw it ain’t good 😉 lol )
  • 1/4 of a lemon
  • mixing bowl

So gather your ingredients, I like to mix them in a small plastic bowl from there I usually like to do this once a week after I have washed my face. Typically wouldn’t recommend to do so after exfoliating as the lemon juice will sting and irritate your skin.

Benefits: 

  • anti-inflammatory properties (honey contains bacteria that helps tackle impurities deep in skin
  • anti-aging benefits; reduces fine lines and wrinkles
  • Lightens skin
  • Gives skin a glow

Egg White: Apply egg white to all of face, avoiding eyes.

  • 1 egg white

Benefits:

  • tightens skin & reduces fine lines and wrinkles
  • minimizes large pores

you may or may not add honey & lemon to combine ingredients.

Aloe Vera (plant): Cut a portion of the aloe vera plant, cut in half to open up and rub all over clean face.

Benefits:

  • Tones
  • heals burns & acne scars
  • hydrating
  • anti-aging properties

Lastly, I would like to list a small number of tips that have helped my skin that I wish someone would have told me from the start.

  1. Remember not to over due it when exfoliating! This should be done at least once a week. If you have oily skin twice a week might work for you.
  2. Remember after opening pores to close them. Wash face with cold water or as I like to do run an ice cube along all of your face to ensure pores are being closed up.
  3. Pat skin dry never wipe. Wiping can cause irritation to skin, inflammation and may break up capillaries
  4. When applying any under eye cream use ring finger as it applies less pressure than any other finger.
  5. Pat the face never wipe

Let me know if you try any of these products or decide to make a simple homemade mask! I’ll keep you all posted on the new products I try that I both like & dislike.

Trapmom 💖

Top 4 places to visit with baby!

Hi guys!

 

So for this post I would like to share with you guys my top 4 places I like to go on a regular basis with friends or just my baby and I. These are great places to go with friends family and are children friendly.

The first place that I go to on a regular basis is the South Botanical Garden in Palos Verdes. It’s on Crenshaw Boulevard not too far passing Rolling Hills Street.

Address: 26300 Crenshaw Boulevard, Palos Verdes Peninsula, CA 90274

Hours: 9am-5pm

Admission: $9 dollars, every 3rd Tuesday of the month is free. Children under four go in for free. This place is about 87 acres big!

There are about 8 gardens that I know of here. To list them all there is the Rose garden, Fuchsia Garden, Children’s Garden, Garden for the senses, Mediterranean Garden, Japanese/ Koi pond Garden, Desert Garden and a display Greenhouse.  Because it is in Palos Verdes you can definitely feel the sun a little bit more than being near the beach seeing as you are a little up higher in altitude so make sure to bring sunscreen and a hat if you’d like. There is plenty of parking spaces that is free and if you’d like to pick up a little gift you may do so at the gift shop towards the entrance. This is the perfect place for you to set up a picnic with loved ones. I usually like to take my own food and beverages and set up camp right underneath the Rose Garden. Here there is lots of grassy space as well as lots of shady area for you to set a blanket up, relax and enjoy the scenery.

It’s amazing to just walk around and discover the thousands of species of plants, flowers and trees. There is a section where you can touch, feel and smell the plants of course without damaging them. But this is a great way to teach your children about nature as well as have it be a hands on learning experience for them. I usually let my baby girl run around for a bit before heading off to discover the wonderful plants and sights.

If you are going south when walking you will come across some horses that are right next door to the botanical garden. You can see here people horse back riding and its also a lot of fun to point them out to your children and friends! Here’s a couple of highlights from our days there!

 
The second place that I recently went to is called the Huntington Library, Arts collection & Botanical garden.

Address: 1151 Oxford Rd, San Marino, CA 91108

Hours: 10am-5pm, closed on Tuesdays

Admission: $25 weekdays, $29 weekends Children under four are free. Every first Thursday of the month admission is free!

This is also a similar place to the South Botanical Garden in PV with beautiful sites to see. Here at the Huntington Library there is a Rain Forest Conservatory with hundreds of different species of trees and plants that you can learn about at your comfort and leisure. When roaming around the library you may come across geese as well as other beautiful birds. There is also a Rose Garden here and a beautiful Japanese garden that unfortunately I was not able to get to as I arrived at the library closer to 3 PM. If you would like to make the most out of the library and your admission fee and time I would recommend to get there earlier in the day so that you can start off from the beginning of the library when entering. This is also a great place to have a picnic at like I did mention it is a great  place to bring children, loved ones and family members.

 

 

Moving onto the third place that I love to go to with my daughter. This place isn’t a landmark per say its more so a location I discovered. This place is between the Venice Canals and Marina Del Rey, (Balloon Lagoon

Address: 4200 Pacific Ave Marina Del Rey, California (Is generally where I like to park)

Hours: n/a
When driving down Lincoln Boulevard you will make a left turn onto Washington Boulevard you will keep driving straight all the way down until you hit the beach. Once you hit the beach, Pacific Ave you will make a left and then drive straight down until you see the canals on your left-hand side. This is a residential area but there is plenty of public parking. To make the most of this you can walk down the bridge over the canal onto the opposite side where there is a beautiful trail that holds a very beautiful scenic view to the canal. Because we are closer to the beach I would recommend to bring a sweater and or a blanket. If going during the summer still make sure you have something to cover yourself with but with California weather sometimes the sweater is not needed but definitely recommend. Like I mentioned if you are going during summer I would recommend to walk down to the beach. Have a beach day and enjoy Venice scenery atmosphere and culture!

 

 

The fourth place I like to visit is Ballona Creek in Marina Del Rey. This is a great place to bring pets and children when you need a day out near the beach but don’t feel like actually getting in the water.

Address: 6220 Pacific Ave (this is where I like to park as it’s a residential area and gets you close to the entrance of the bike path and walk way.

Hours: Dusk til dawn

I love to come down here whenever I need to get my mind off things and have some quiet time to myself. The ocean breeze and nearby seafood restaurants also make it worth the trip. If you walk all the way down you are able to walk down onto to dockside where there are small business as well as seating area to enjoy the Marina Del Rey scenic view.

 

As I keep discovering new places I will definitely keep you guys updated! Thanks for tuning into another blog post, I should be talking about some skincare products I’ve been loving and hating. I think as women we have all struggled a little with skincare products that work for us and don’t.

Stay blessed!

 

 

 

-Trapmom ♡

Mother

 

Motherhood: The State of being a mother.

What is a mother? It’s hard to answer this in one sitting. To me my mother was my best friend, she was the sole provider in the household. A woman I was able to go to whenever I had questions about life. My mother was my soulmate a business partner all in one. How does one woman presume all roles so effortlessly? As a mother you take on this role that has other roles within itself. You are multiple people all in one. My mother was my hero and I hope to be half the woman and mother she was.

Some mothers bare their children for 9 months and others go to the ends of the world to find their child. There are so many ways this day and age where a woman who has infertility issues can seek help to become a mother. They come in all colors and sizes, and were all lucky to have one.

As soon as my daughter was born this instinct took a hold and hasn’t let go thus far. It’s incredible unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I thought I knew what love was but never this type of love. So unconditional and fulfilling. There is no beginning or end to this love. I find myself starring at my daughter in awe because of how perfect she is. I created that, this human who I had in my womb. She’s mine and I am hers.

Let me know ladies, what part of motherhood you love and what you find challenging. I hope we can share tips and tricks that work well for us mothers. It’s an open discussion.

There are plenty of times where I think about how my mom did it all with me. I was stuck to her hip, running errands with her back and forth. And now it’s the same with my daughter. She comes with me everywhere I go, errands to be done, places to see but we always have so much fun together. I wish my mom could be with us. But god only knows why.

Sometimes you don’t even need to be someone’s mother to experience that raw motherly instinct that is already within us as women. It’s pretty incredible. To those of you that play a mother figure to others, who are they to you? What motherly trait do they bring out of you? I know that with my dogs I cared for them a little more than what society thought a dog should be cared for. I made sure my dogs knew that they were beyond loved and I think that’s where my motherly trait was first exposed too. Caring for a living being.

It’s also interesting to hear about mothers who’s love for their child did not come until their baby was born or even months after that. This is more than natural but I’d love to hear about your experience! To the new mommies out there don’t fear of the things you think you don’t know or won’t know. I know I walked into this with no type of idea on how I should juggle a baby. I read no books and didn’t seek much advice from anyone. It’s really all a trial and error, and I think it’s more fun that way. There’s no way to just know what your little human will react better too. But you’ll definitely learn as you go. If any new mommy out there has any questions, feel free. I know I am still discovering myself as a mother as I go. It’s all an unplanned chaotic felicity.

If ‘mother’ is the state of being a mother this is the state I would like to be in forever.

 

 

-trapmom

The Trap Mom Chronicles

Thanks for joining us!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

July 4th, 2016 the day I found out I was pregnant.

It was early morning around 9am, at the time I was working for a pet sitting company. I remember having various pets I needed to visit that morning, I was also broke but knew I needed to pick up a pregnancy test to confirm or deny my suspicions. Could it be? I? Pregnant? I thought to myself. There was a CVS near one of my visits, I stopped by spent my last dollars on the CVS brand test and headed to my next appointment. My heart throbbing, my mind racing I could and I couldn’t wait to find out if I was pregnant. Finally, after finishing up my duties with the cat I was looking after, I headed to the bathroom. Read the instructions over and over. It seemed simple enough, right? Pee on this stick and find out if I was with child. For some reason I just kept having to go over the instructions just in case I messed up in some shape or form and because of it would get a false positive.

So… I squat, I peed and I waited…

Longest three minutes of my life. I peeked over and saw double lines. NO I thought to myself, I was just seeing double I didn’t have my glasses on, I was mistaken. I finally got the balls to pick it up and there it was. Two lines. I was pregnant. I was truly pregnant no doubt in my mind. What would my mom say or think or do? What would I do from now on? Was this something I could recover from, what are my options? I had no answer to any of my questions and it was the most terrifying thing in my life not knowing what my next step would or should be. I don’t know if any of you have had this feeling or has been pregnant and had the same reaction but it is truly life changing. At the time I was 20 years old, going to school full time, working part time and living with my mom.

 

I knew I had to make a decision soon, but  didn’t know how to go about that. For one, I knew I was too young to become a mother. But I also knew that I could never go through the abortion process alone. Little to say, the father didn’t want to be in the picture. No type of support there. It was just me… by myself on this one. For weeks I struggled with depression, I couldn’t go to my mother because I knew the disappointment she would have towards me.  couldn’t go to my best friend because I knew she would be disappointed at me as well, especially knowing that I didn’t think I could go through with this pregnancy. IF she knew she wouldn’t look at me the same. She is surrounded by many siblings and has been there for her younger brothers and sisters from the start. She had that maternal instinct and love for children. I on the other hand, I hated kids and never really saw myself ever having any of my own. I loved animals and I always planned on having a farm safe house for abandoned or stray animals but to be a mother I never saw that in the plan.

 

I remember finally sharing the news to one of my closest guy friends and well as suspected he gave me shit for it. haha What I expected. I also shared the news with my closest girlfriend at the time and had a complete break down. I won’t write about the prior event that led to that but lets just say I was depressed for the longest time.

Everyday that passed by I tried to think of ways to make a decent living to support myself, my mother and my future child. Was I capable of pulling this off? How would I even know? The moment I came clean to my mom she literally slapped some sense into me. She suffered from fertility problems, she ended up finally coming up to the conclusion that she couldn’t have children and decided that adopting would be the best option. My mom was heartbroken when I told her I didn’t think I could go through with my pregnancy. As depressed as I was and miserable, in my head this was the best decision for my 20 year old self. That decision had been engraved in my head that I didn’t think I could be strong enough to go through this. She made sure to state her opinion on the matter but also reminded me of all the thins she went through to try and have a successful pregnancy. How could I be so selfish and deny this gift. I wasn’t sure either but the day I finally came to terms with my situation and decided that I was going to go through with this pregnancy… was one of the best days of life. This incredible weight was lifted from my shoulders, I was happy. I looked forward to what the future was to hold and I was finally myself x 2. haha

My daughter who is now 1 is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Everyday I think about who I would be without her or where I would even be. There has been a number of events and down points that I have come across during and after my pregnancy. Most I would not like to go through again but all have shaped me into the woman I am now. But thus far, Rosalina, my Rose has been the pinnacle of joy and pure happiness ever since her birth.

 

Let me know ladies, what were some of the challenges you may have over come throughout your pregnancy? Sometimes it is nice to talk about your struggles and challenges with other women who can relate. Lets start a discussion or if you have something to share feel free to share some things you relate or may not relate to me. I have so many more memories and thoughts to share so stay tuned!

 

 

I plan on writing my feelings and thoughts on motherhood, single mom duties and just womanly thangs! I am constantly discovering myself on multiple levels, I hope we can build a community where we can all build up a relationship based off of similar things we may have in common.

 

Trapmom♡